Stories, Musings and Advice From a Funeral Director

“Nothing is certain except death and taxes” is probably one of the most enduring quotations from inventor, politician, writer and founding father Benjamin Franklin. While both are unavoidable—and oftentimes equally baffling—author Elle Payne demystifies the realities and inner workings of today’s funeral industry in her new memoir, Stories, Musings and Advice From a Funeral Director. She chats here about her collection of stories on love, grief and finding where you belong and where you don’t.

Interviewer: Christina Hamlett

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Q: A deeply personal incident in your family attracted you to the funeral industry. Tell us about it.

A: My grandmother died in 2000. She had always been “my person”.  I struggled with not knowing where she was and feeling disconnected from her, which I could not wrap my mind around. She was 80 when she died and she had been sick. However, it was evident that the funeral home had not treated her body with care. I remember thinking to myself as I stared at her in her casket, “Even I could do better than this,” and I knew zero about the funeral industry at the time. My father was quite shocked at how poorly she looked and asked me to “fix” her. I used a tube of dark red lipstick for her lips and cheeks, and I attempted to comb her hair which looked horrible. I became aware that no one in my family would touch her except me and it was my first glimpse into the possibilities that lay in front of me, although it would take me until 2005 to act upon it and enroll in Mortuary Science classes. I know now that many parts of the scenario that took place at the funeral home on that day—how she looked, how my dad reacted, how no one would touch her except me—complicated my grief response and it would take me the next 10 years to work it out.

Q: During your course of study in mortuary science and embalming, what are three things that most surprised you (and that most people wouldn’t know about the business of death)?

A: Most people know zero about what goes on when someone they love dies and instead of admitting they don’t know or asking questions, a lot of people are so scared that they just shut down. A good funeral director will recognize this and come to the family’s aid. However, there are a lot of really bad funeral directors who just compound a bad situation by treating the family with indifference, disrespect and caring only about the money. The first thing I was surprised about is how little people know about the embalming procedure. Embalming is a very traumatic experience and unless you have an embalmer who cares, the results are usually poor. I was also surprised about how many people don’t know the facts about who pays for your funeral if you or your family cannot afford to. Most people believe that the state you live in will pay for your disposition or that Social Security will pay, but that is false. Another misnomer is that the funeral home will take payments. A cheap burial is at least $5,000.00 and a cheap cremation is usually between $800.00 to $1,000.00. I am astounded at the number of people who die and leave the financial burden on their family. If the family cannot afford to pay, the funeral home will keep the body in refrigeration for 90 days until the state gives them permission to cremate. The funeral home does not get paid, and the family will end up without the cremains of their loved one.

Q: What was your career path prior to becoming a funeral director and what aspects of it influence the way you work and interact with others?

A: I have BFA in Creative Writing and dance. I was a single parent, so I made a living as a personal trainer and teaching ballet. Being a personal trainer is like being a therapist most of the time and you are called upon to help people sort out things that are not working for them and help them find a better solution.  Teaching classical ballet requires me to work differently with each person because every dancer is going to have something they struggle with, so I really have to pay attention to their specific needs. Learning how to speak to people, guide them and win their trust is invaluable.

Q: You’ve described your job as a body removal technician as being the best job you’ve ever had. What is it that makes this field so personally rewarding for you?

A: I was lucky enough in Kansas to work with the coroner’s office in all investigations where someone died. Arriving at a death scene requires a person who is calm, curious and pays attention. Many of the bodies were going straight to the coroner’s office for an autopsy and required pictures of the body and the scene.  Most of the time, unless it is a suicide or murder, there will be family members on the scene, too.  Being a body removal technician was shocking, hard, inconvenient (because most of the time it was in the middle of the night) and unsettling, but it filled me with pride for doing a job that most people cannot do.

Q: On the flip side, what’s the worst thing about this particular job?

A:  The worst thing about the job is that most people die in the middle of the night when I would rather be sleeping.

Q: Grief—especially if a loved one’s death is unexpected and sudden—can sometimes cause people to make hasty (and expensive) decisions in their choice of a funeral home, coffin selection, burial vs. cremation, etc. What are some tips on how to choose a good funeral home as well as how to avoid a really bad one?

A:  First of all, it is okay to shop around for the “right” funeral home. If a person calls three different funeral homes, they will talk to three different people representing three different businesses. All three funeral homes will have a different “vibe”. The funeral home which has an employee who answers the phone in the middle of the night instead of an answering service is always going to get my vote, especially if that person is pleasant, kind and caring. If anyone acts like they don’t care in the middle of the night, they are not going to care any more the next morning. Finding the right funeral home is important. Purchasing services that you need and can afford is a world away from feeling railroaded by a funeral director who is using the “secret formula” to sell you services that are part of a “package” and do not meet your needs, and cost way too much money. Having an unpleasant experience with a funeral home can complicate your grief process.  I have worked for funeral homes that insisted upon selling certain caskets that were overpriced and were no better than a less expensive casket that would serve the same purpose. Attached to that overpriced casket is also an inferred judgement by that funeral home that you are cheap and uncaring if you choose anything with the word “basic” in it. Basic is not a bad word, nor does it imply that you do not care.

Q: Death isn’t exactly the cheeriest subject to bring up around the dinner table but at some point it becomes a necessity given the inevitability of our own mortality. In your opinion, what are elements of that conversation which should be addressed with family, clergy and legal representatives?

A: The most important thing is to find out if a loved one prefers burial or cremation. If they prefer burial, do they have enough money? Do they own a burial plot? Can they afford the marker for the grave? If they do not have the budget for a burial, there are only a couple of choices left. Cremation or body donation. It is important that the family is on the same page about disposition. It is the first step that has to be decided upon before anything else, and it can open a dialogue about more specific things in the future. I would say that over 75% of families I have worked with had no idea about anything until they were sitting around the table at the funeral home arguing about grandma being afraid of fire and insisting upon a burial that no one can afford.

Q: Do you have to have a license to work in a funeral home?

A: I got my license in the State of Kansas. They have a good educational system there. A mortuary science degree is a two-year program, and then your last year of mortuary science school you complete your internship while working at a funeral home.   At the end of the two years, you are allowed to take a National Exam which will determine if you get your license in both funeral directing and embalming. In Washington State, where I live now, there is a shortage of funeral directors because they rely upon licensed funeral directors/embalmers letting unskilled people be on their license as an apprentice. The unskilled apprentice has five years to get their license; meanwhile, the licensed funeral director is just hoping the apprentice does not do anything crazy that they could lose their license over. This is how Washington State has a shortage of licensed funeral directors and embalmers. The amount of uneducated people in the industry also contributes to Washington State having a lot of bad funeral homes and an extremely low pay scale.  In Colorado, you do not have to have a license at all….so good luck.

Q: Can every funeral director embalm a body? If not, where does it go?

A: Not every funeral director is an embalmer. I have a dual license in Kansas and am both a funeral director and embalmer.  In 2007, Kansas was about 30% cremation so my skills as an embalmer were particularly useful there.  In Washington State cremation is over 90% and I have not embalmed a body in seven years. In Washington State there is also a shortage of licensed embalmers, so a lot of bodies are shipped to Seattle to establishments that only do embalming.

Q: Does everyone who dies get an autopsy?

A: If the state has a “coroner system,” then all bodies that are found or any death that looks suspicious will go to the coroner’s office for an autopsy done by a medical examiner. If the state uses a system with deputy coroners, who are usually prosecuting attorneys, and know nothing about death, it can be a bad situation. Unfortunately, there are more states that use this type of system, and a lot of deaths go uninvestigated. The United States also has a shortage of medical examiners and pathologists. There are only 500 in the United States.

Q: How long does an autopsy take to complete?

A: The reason for the autopsy is to examine all the organs and to weigh them. The Y incision allows for all the organs to be removed from the body. This includes the brain, and the top of the head is sawed open to retrieve it. When a body arrives at a funeral home from the coroner, it has been crudely sewn up and all the organs are in a trash bag in the abdomen. If the body is going to be cremated, it will get cremated without any other preparations. If the body is to be embalmed, all the organs will be put into a formaldehyde solution that will help them congeal. After the body is embalmed, the bag of organs will be put back into the vacant hollow of the chest and abdomen. An autopsy can take an hour or two, depending upon what condition the body is in. Repairing the body for embalming/ burial is a huge job and can take two people a couple of hours.

Q: I’d think one would have to have a sense of humor to work in such a dark profession. Any amusing stories to share with us?

A: You must be discreet about it, but funny things happen every single day. My book, Stories, Musings and Advice from a Funeral Director, is a collection of stories about things that have happened to me….and most of the stories are super funny.    The day that I dressed in pink from head to toe and then had to put a woman into a pink casket was funny.

Q: What’s the worst thing to say at a funeral?

A: “I know how you feel,” “It is God’s will,” “He/She is in a better place.”

Q: COVID created an unusual circumstance in which family members were not only precluded from being at the bedside of a beloved in the hospital or hospice but also further prevented from holding an actual funeral. What are your thoughts on the stress this created and the postponement of emotional and spiritual closure?

A: It was a super sad time, and I am sure that there are a lot of people who are having a harder time with their grief because they didn’t have proper closure. The funeral homes also had to stop having funeral gatherings at that time, so many people just got buried with no service. That must have been hard for families and caused complications with their grief and closure. I thought it was weird that most families did not want COVID listed on the death certificate.

Q: What’s your best advice to someone who is grieving?

A: My favorite quote is “We are tethered to the story we must tell.”  We all have a story and if you keep telling it, it keeps getting worked out inside of you, sometimes even when you are unaware of it. Your grief will not go away. It is always going to be there but instead of a tidal wave, it will become a puddle that you learn to walk through. But there will be days when you see a picture, you hear a song and the huge wave can overwhelm you again. I think we must learn to be extra kind to ourselves on those days. Walking thoughtfully through the puddle every day is as important as surviving the massive wave.

Q: Do you believe in the Hereafter?

A: We are all pure energy, and nothing can stop pure energy. I also believe that you will experience what you expect to experience when you pass. We are surrounded by the love and guidance from our ancestors.

Q: Anything else you’d like to add?

A: I am passionate about the death industry. People will go out of their way to avoid the subject so they never have to talk about it. I hope my book will help people become more comfortable with talking about death and educate them so that they can ask the right questions when a loved one dies.