Override

What creatures of habit we are with the close of each December! January—like a new sheet of paper or a crisp dusting of snow—is the opportunity to refresh, reimagine and reinvent whatever parts of ourselves we feel could be better. While there is no one-size-fits-all in the pursuit of what can make us authentic and help manifest our dreams, there’s a new book on the market which could be a good start. Connell Cowan, PhD and David Kipper, MD have penned Override, a must-read for anyone seeking clarity on why we so often botch our own best-laid plans…and how to break that destructive cycle. Cowan took time from his busy schedule to give us an insider peek about the invaluable takeaways which Override has to offer.

Interviewer: Christina Hamlett

*********

Q: There’s no shortage of self-help books on the market to inspire readers to listen to their muses, critically evaluate their skill sets and become their most authentic selves. What do you feel best differentiates Override as a fresh and dynamic guidebook for emotional, physical and spiritual betterment?

A: The suggestions and strategies other books offer to improve one’s quality of life are generic. Override provides something quite different, a much more personalized source of strategic plans that are designed to be put to use in daily life. The limitation of most self-help books is that a one-size-fits-all approach doesn’t work. For example, we have an obesity epidemic in this country simply because we eat too much and make our food choices poorly. The problem is that we don’t overeat for the same reasons. Some of us eat to soothe ourselves while others of us eat to excite. We’ve developed an assessment tool that allows readers to diagnose their particular brain chemistry or brain type. What we’ve found helpful to our patients is giving them strategies that actually use their brain type as leverage to make healthy changes in their lives. Personalizing strategies to a person’s brain type facilitates breaking up old, self-defeating habits allowing the construction of new healthier ones.

Q: The combination of technology and, most recently, the business and school lockdowns inflicted by COVID has plunged us into more isolation, loneliness and depression than ever before. How do we dig ourselves out of this when the politicizing of virtually everything reinforces the message that whatever we have done in the past—and are likely to ever do in the future—is completely wrong and deserving of censure?

A: These past few years have been enormously stressful. All the red flags for stress are flying: alcohol and drug abuse are up, child abuse and domestic violence are up, mental health events are up, and suicide rates are up as are incidents of political extremism and road rage. You can feel it on the street. It’s broadcast across every screen. And the uncertainty is global. We sadly add more than one mass shooting on a daily basis. Humans are not good at dealing with uncertainty. Because of our brain chemistry, the chronic stress of uncertainty effects some of us by making us more anxious and depressed while those same dynamics lead to blame and anger in those of us with a different brain type.

I think the way we claw ourselves back is by remembering and reconnecting to those things most valuable: human connection. Take someone out to lunch and give yourself the gift of a break from your screens and the ever-alarming news cycle. Unfortunately, I think our political divisions are going to remain until we, as a country, face some unifying challenge. Until then, the antidote is to pay less attention to the strident messaging, remembering that most of it comes from the tails suggesting that we live in some sort of dichotomous universe. Everyone who makes a mistake shouldn’t be canceled. Our country is entitled to have control over our borders. Our children don’t bear the burden of guilt for the behavior of their forebears.

That said, there are some destructive people, we do need a thoughtful and humane immigration policy, and our children should be exposed to an unvarnished version of our history. I’m actually very hopeful. As slow moving as justice and equality may be, it is trending in the right direction. The Spanish flu bore the Roaring Twenties. I think we might see something similar barring black swans or perhaps Putin’s capriciousness.

Q: Many of us over the age of 30 grew up in an era where we had to work hard for what we wanted; i.e., good grades, jobs, promotions. How has the shift toward “participation trophies” just for showing up affected (1) the self-esteem and ambition of those who still believe in working hard and (2) the expectations and entitlement of those who believe life will always be this easy?

A: Just showing up never produces the results that go along with clear goals and hard work. The people who do more than show up, that dig in and set their sights on excellence gain a level of self-assurance and effectiveness that no “participation trophy” can ever provide. Those folks are not to be worried about. Concern should be reserved for those who have been taught the fool’s gold of short cuts or that the no-stretch variety of comfort produces anything of real value.

Q: Years ago at university, a guest lecturer said something which continues to resonate today; specifically, “An addiction is whatever you can never allow yourself to be without.” While I think we typically think of addictions as those related to alcohol, drugs and sex, can the same be said about addictive mindsets; i.e., If someone craves constant validation for everything they do, will they purposely seek out situations which will satisfy that need? Likewise, if they are addicted to being “rescued,” will they repeatedly set themselves up for scenarios in which failure and loss are almost certainly guaranteed?

A: Addictions are comfort producing chains of behavior that become submerged in the unconscious to save the expenditure of calories. Being extremely energy conscious, the human brain loves habits but cares not at all about whether they serve a healthy purpose. And yes, validation, attention, even being set up for failure can become ingrained patterns. To our detriment, there is great comfort in the familiar even when what is most familiar contains self- defeating elements.

Q: How has social media escalated generational feelings of anxiety and depression?

A: it was Shakespeare who said, “Comparisons are odious.” There’s no place quite like social media sites possessing such a rich panoply of comparisons. While you may, in fact, have plenty, there will always be someone who has plenty more. It is human nature to judge our “insides” by other people’s “outsides.” Does my table setting look as attractive, my turkey dinner look as tender and inviting as some of the pictures I’ve seen? Does my family look as warm and happy? You know you used some mismatched napkins and the turkey got dried out because it was over cooked. But you don’t see that in any of the pictures that you look at. These comparisons can leave us feeling wanting, less than, anxious and depressed. Not only is spending time on social media a time and energy sink, it’s all too often emotionally depleting. I think it’s always good to take healthy breaks and the temptation to check in and see what everyone else is doing. It’s more like picking at a scab than providing anything of any real value.

Q: Many of my writer clients ask for advice on how to adopt good writing “habits” and establish “routines” which will make them more productive. What’s the difference between these two words/objectives and does one more than the other take on the semblance of a “ritual” which enables a person to observe/celebrate milestones of personal growth?

A: I don’t think there’s any real difference between good writing habits and routines. There are a lot of people who want to write but end up indulging in all sorts of excuses that prevent them from doing that. The simple truth is that writers write. I think it’s smart to understand the circumstances you find most conducive to putting words on the page and then try and create them and not being afraid of a blank page or blinking cursor. I don’t believe in waiting to be swept up by the muse.

Q: There’s a wonderful quiz at the beginning of your book to help readers identify whether they are Swords or Shields. While many of us exhibit traits of both categories depending on the circumstances in which we find ourselves, what part does Nature vs. Nurture play in parents directly or subliminally influencing which side their offspring will gravitate toward?

A: A person’s brain type is determined by slight imbalances in the composition of their inherited brain chemicals (Nature: a parent’s job is done at conception). Each brain type possesses specific, predictable strengths as well as weaknesses. Where parents can be helpful is in understanding the brain type characteristics of their child (there is a  test in the book that lets parents make that assessment) and helping them deal constructively with the vulnerabilities that their brain chemistry confers.

Q: Is it possible for a Sword to do a 180 and become a Shield, and vice versa?

A: The short answer is yes. It all has to do with how much arousal (the subjective experience of how much energy or activation there is in the central nervous system) at the moment. Swords tend to have too little, causing them to look for ways to ramp it up and Shields, having too much, try to find ways to reduce it. Shields become much more Sword-like when they aren’t feeling over amped and Swords become Shields when they get over stimulated. The predictive behaviors attached to the two different brain types are related to the typical amount of arousal each type has. As human beings, we tend to do very different things when we have too much arousal instead of too little, and vice versa.

Q: We often hear, “Do what you love and the money will follow.” Yet just as often when young people have dreams of pursuing something creative, their parents dissuade them with the argument, “No, no, you need to get a real job. What you want to do doesn’t pay anything.” What’s your response to this?

A: It’s complicated. Sometimes what kids love, what they’re passionate about is some process they’re really good at. Their curiosity and engagement are what fuels the passion. But not always. Sometimes their vision of the future is animated less by curiosity and engagement and more by their need to be seen. Yesterday we looked up to rock stars and astronauts. Sadly, the biggest “want” today for kids is to be an influencer. Doing what you love is always about process rather than product, the experience itself not the light that shines on you as a result of that experience. Children dream about possibilities and parents have nightmares about the unrealistic outcomes of those dreams. A parent’s admonition about safety nets probably never held back a real artist. Genuine passions are not daunted by a parent’s anxiety.

But here’s where it gets tricky and is related to, among other things, one’s brain chemistry.  Emotions are contagious and an anxious parent’s security concerns can magnify those of the child, particularly those with imbalanced serotonin. You certainly don’t instill a sense of resilience fretting over a safety net. Should every child’s dream at least have a plan B? Something like, “Of course you should try and write that deep, beautiful novel you talk about but you should also make sure that you also learn how to write code as well, just in case.” It obviously creates a viable backup and makes the parent less worried. But I’m not sure that working without a net isn’t sometimes a necessary ingredient in successfully dealing with the inevitable failures along the way.  

A struggling Mark Rothko traded his paintings for dental work. Would he have had a better life had he been the dentist instead of the painter? Not for me to say. We all have to live with those choices and their consequences. I do think a parent’s job is to encourage their children to have the courage and freedom to explore and be the best of themselves. Sometimes that comes along with disappointment and heartache. Such is life. I do know that belief is more strengthening than worry and baby birds all have to test their wings. It has to be more gratifying if they enjoy the flight.

Q: You have a great chapter in your book regarding love, lust and longing. It was Oscar Wilde who said, “Ultimately the bond of all companionship, whether in marriage or in friendship, is conversation.” Why is it that so many people ignore or diminish this component in their pursuit(s) of happily ever after?

A: Great conversations don’t pay bills, don’t necessarily make one feel sexy and alive, don’t take out the trash or pick up after themselves, don’t ensure loyalty, don’t make someone feel whole and complete, don’t erase petty annoyances, and aren’t guarantees against hurt or disappointments or the insidious growth of resentment… I could go on but why? Interesting conversation is most appreciated when all the things that are triggers for negative emotions are working well. Great conversations are the intellectual frosting in a relationship. The cake is a complex, emotional maze.

Q: How can/should a person define “success” and a life well lived?

A: Constructive engagement: having something to do, something to love, and something to hope for.